wrapping it all up

The semester is FINALLY over...and I have all of 24 hours to recover from what has been the most challenging semester ever. After my exams on Friday I worked all weekend and now finally have today off ... and while it sucks that I have to spend it getting ready for my summer class (that starts tomorrow)...I'm remaining positive ... trying to focus on getting my stuff together so I can rock out this Anatomy class and get back on track.
I realized alot over the past few weeks...my classes started frustrating me and I just starting getting really down on myself...being very negative....and it seemed like the more negative I got in my head...the harder everything became....until finally (for a about a week) I just broke down.....to the lowest point I've been in quite awhile....but David, my friends, and fam have helped me realize alot....and I finally feel like I can get back on track and do what I've set out to do....
So I thought I would wrap up this semester with a blog of the things I've learned....I want to write this list...take the lessons with me....and put the rest behind me.....so here it goes....the things I've learned this semester.....

• When you set out on a larger than life adventure....don't get so far ahead of yourself that you  forget your survival kit....your friends, your fam, and the love of your life....you can't survive without them...my support system will be what gets me through this. period.
• Life is about living in those awesome moments and making the most of them---it gets hard/stressful waking up, going to work, going to class, studying ...etc etc etc......and it can seem never ending...but when you have special moments with the ones you love....those are the moments that make life worth living for. Live for the simple things that make you smile.
• When it all seems like its too much to handle.....you simply have to put one foot in front of the other. You can't get caught up in thinking about all you have to do or you'll drown....you simply have to plan...write things down....and take things as they come....one day at a time.
  When you think you can't...you can....and when you think you won't...you do.....
• Quitting is the easy way out....any one can quit....it takes true perseverance to push through and win. The best nurses are the ones that inspire...and I want to be the best....which means I have a lot to learn......and the only way to do that is to push through the hard times and make it to the good times.......nothing in life stays the same forever....something else is always just around the corner....
• Getting side tracked and going down roads we're not meant to go down is in our nature....but finding our way back to where we're supposed to be is what counts. If everything we set out to accomplish went according to our plans .... if everything in life were so predictable... think of how boring things would be. It is in the mess ups....the failures...the whoopsy daisy's ... and the skinned knees that we truly learn things about life...and those are the lessons that will get us through the next great mess up, failure, whoopsy daisy and skinned knee.
• I miss home....I miss my friends....I miss my old routines....I miss my fav foods that can't be found here....I miss everything about my life before now.......but to get back to everything I love...I must get through everything here now.........life. goes. on.

I'm so thankful for David, and for my fam, and for my friends....and most of all...I'm thankful that this first semester here is behind me....now I just hope and pray that it will remain behind me (and not come back to bite me in the ass later)....so I can get back on track and stay there.....

(thanks stacy...this is one of my many "motivational" songs)

love this...

I saw this commercial yesterday....and it gave me lots of motivation....this is the kind of nurse I want to be......

keeping my chin up....

My mom and I went to Pella Iowa today....for their tulip festival....and I was super stoked...not only because flowers of any kind mean winter is over and spring is actually here but because tulips especially have always been a flower that can brighten my day....(they remind me sooo much of Winthrop and how Ashley and I used to get so excited when the tulips would bloom out in front of the entrance every spring----and the thought of that alone makes me uber homesick...which probably to blame for much of my struggles). So anyway, I got a little sad when I saw how over cast and rainy it was supposed to be today....but the rain held off long enough to walk around, take some pictures (which also made my heart smile-altho I wanted to take sooo many more than I did), and shop (also making my heart smile). As I was snapping away at all these gorgeous tulips I couldn't help but think about the irony of it all.....how something so amazingly beautiful can still be amazingly beautiful in spite of all the dark ominous clouds and depressing drizzle....and thats when I decided....thats how I want to be....in spite of all this dark fear that surrounds me about this chemistry mess (and my fear of failing at anything)....I don't want to become ominous and depressing...I want to remain bright and cheery and beautiful. So I made a decision...to give it all I've got....to do the best I can...and if my best isn't good enough this time around...then I'll just have to try again.....in the face of fear....I do not want to be someone who crumbles.....

So I have had an AMAZING day....full of just the right amount of everything I need....it was almost as if someone was listening to my last depressing blog and sent me an exact dose of perfection...

Am I still super scared that I may fail my first class ever in my whole entire 7 year college career...yes...will this fear hold me back from studying the way I need to...probably....but I found the motivation today to atleast give it all I've got....because I realized that you don't always have to out run the beast that chases you....you just have to be ahead of someone else.....

This was my favorite picture of the day....because I feel like it captures PERFECTLY how I feel 99% of the time here in Iowa....in a patch full of pink...I'm yellow.
I never feel comfortable here....I always feel as though I stand out.....I'm different.....this will never be home for me....and I may never make a real friend.....but when it comes down to it...I love everything about what makes me different....I love that I'm southern and the south will always be my home....I love that I have traveled, seen, and experienced different parts of this country and the world....and best of all....I love that no matter what....I have an amazing life....I am following my dream and will not give up when the going gets tough....I know that to truly succeed...you must first fail....and while my failures are yet to be determined.....I know that my friends, my family, and the love of my life make me the luckiest and happiest girl in the world.....

Struggling

I'm struggling.

Its the end of the semester...my finals are next Friday...and I have zero motivation to do ANY thing at all what so ever. I have no clue how I'm doing in my chemistry class....and to be quite honest I could care less. I have never felt this way before in my whole entire career as a student .... ever....and its uber depressing. I seriously want to quit and just start over next semester and forget any of this semester ever happened.

Let me explain....chemistry...this class is graded on a curve (which I've never really experienced before but is apparently what professors do when they can't teach and shouldn't even be able to call themselves teachers)...the class average is a 47 going into the final exam....less than 5% of the class has made above a passing grade the whole entire semester (and those are probably the people who are taking this class for the 2nd or even 3rd time).I can't wrap my brain around how below an F is average and even acceptable....but apparently thats how this class has always been. This is beyond baffling to me. It is OBVIOUS this professor is teaching absolutely nothing....how can he still have a job? I don't know what to do other than quit. And this is totally breaking my heart. I don't like quiting....I don't like feeling defeated....and as much as I don't want to admit it.... this is EXACTLY how I feel. All I have to go on is a hope and a prayer that if I just finish I'll come out with atleast a C....and thats probably more like a miracle.

I'm beginning to think it was a mistake for me to even take classes this semester....I should have just moved here....got a job...adjusted...and then started taking classes again....as I sit alone with tears in my eyes all I can do is wonder....if this was all just a huge mistake....if I am even cut out to finish.....or if am I strong enough to push through.......

Discouraging news

I'm starting to get uber uber discouraged....inspite of my BEST efforts to stay positive....

I just got an email from financial aid telling me that I will be getting ZERO financial aid this summer....and after I had to borrow $2000 dollars from my parents to cover this semester....I'm beginning to ask WTF Iowa?! WTF?!
I moved here for the opportunity to work, go to school, experience something new...etc. etc.....and so far I've done all of those things...but at the same time its felt like ever since I've gotten here theres one hurtle after another to jump through. How is it that I got everything covered in SC (tuition, books and parking) going full time with extra left over and after coming here (not even paying out of state tuition or anything...just PURELY for credit hours) I have to pay significant amounts of money out of pocket?! Like what the hell do you have to do to get financial aid that covers your entire tuition around here??? donate your left fucking kidney and your first born child?! Get fucking real!

The financial aid office is about to get an EAR FULL from yours truly....thanks again for ruining ANOTHER day of mine....I would send a fucking bill but your sorry ass excuse for an office probably wouldn't even cover it!

UUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Trying to practice safe procrastinating...

So I decided while I'm studying my ass off...and trying superhero hard not to procrastinate....I'd procrastinate productively and post about my studying....maybe hopefully in some warped world it will help me retain the massive amounts of information I'm trying to shove in my brain in hopes of rockin it out on my last exams before finals....so here's your animal bio entertainment....hope you enjoy.....

Here's an overview of what I'm SUPPOSED to be learning

(not just memorizing...its important not to forget that :-P)

**Muscles--and the cellular basis of muscle contraction

**Meiosis--"the most important act of sex"

 (for those of us who LOVED school house rock back in the day)

(and for those of us who like boring bio videos)

**Genetics--

(sometimes Bill Nye just knows how to explain things)

Obviously we go a little more in depth here with transcription and translation , splicing, and the expression of genes.

**Development -- gametogenesis, fertilization, cleavage, gastrulation, neurulation, organogenesis, and morphogenesis---and STEM CELLS (which are super cool)

Thanks for helping me study...I've now successfully blogged, found super funny videos on stuff I'm supposed to be learning, had a good laugh/entertained myself, AND studied all at the same time...maybe I'm getting a little better at this balancing thing after all??? (see previous blog if you're confused)

I hope you were atleast entertained...if not I'm sorry you won't be getting these precious minutes of your life back..and for that I apologize :-P



HAPPY EASTER!

Life...a juggling act....

Lately I've been struggling with a skill that I don't think I've yet adapted....and that's juggling everything that is my life. Balancing everything that goes on in our lives seems simple enough in theory....school, work, friends, relationships....but when it comes down to it...how well adapted are we when it comes to balancing the things that are most important to us?
I feel guilty when David needs attention and I can't give it to him b/c I'm too preoccupied with school or work...I feel guilty when I sit on the couch and relax when I know there are tests to study for...I hate that sometimes I just want to call my friends and chat it up for hours...and I don't because I'm too busy and always "put it off till later." I find that as of late I am always thinking about the things that need to be done...and not focusing on the things that are happening right in front of me at that moment. Its like my mind is always on to the next thing...before finishing a thought, or action, or daydream....and I'm finding that the more my mind wonders...the more conflicted I feel. Sometimes its like I can't do anything right...and other times...when I'm "in the moment" it feels like everything is simply perfect and I find that I hold my breath...knowing that those perfect moments are ever so fleeting...and won't last for longer than a few seconds...a few minutes...and if I'm really lucky maybe an hour or so.....
So why is it that in striving so hard for these fleeting moments of perfection...I get caught up in the details??? I just want to enjoy every moment in my life...b/c it is perfect....I have a man who moved halfway across the country for me b/c he loves me...I have a fam that instead of being in a different time zone are finally right across the street....and I get to experience something so new and exciting....why can't I just enjoy it?! Sometimes I think it simply comes down to having too many balls in the air...and not enough time to juggle them all.....

I wish I knew how to plan better...I wish I didn't hold off until the last minute to do everything in my life....I wish I just had a few extra hours in the day...for me...to do the things I love to do...and most of all...I wish I could find more time to enjoy the simple things in life.


I think I'm going to make a new resolution for my life.....learn to juggle...