I feel blessed....

As I sit here and think about what this summer has brought me...I can't help but feel completely, honest to goodness, 100% BLESSED! I've gotten closer to my fellow NA's (even facebook friends...that's a huge step for me as you all well know)....and I've finally started to feel connected here...like it almost could be home for a little while....and that my friends feels good.

Speaking of home....the other reason I feel so blessed.....my family and friends....the loves of my life....I'll be seeing them all to close out my summer with a bang....and I don't think I could BE any more excited. It has been entirely too long! I have THE most amazing family and the most amazing friends anyone could ever ask for....my core group has been apart of my life for as long as I can remember....and I can only hope we continue to remain a constant in each others lives. For the past 20+ years I have been through it all with these girls...they've been with me through the good times and the bad....we've had our fights and disagreements....we've gone days, weeks, months and some cases (sadly) years without talking...and somehow we've all still managed to stay close when it really mattered. But that's the thing about best friends...you don't have to talk everyday...you don't have to be apart of the mundane everyday life to be considered someone special to someone else....when we get together its like we never spent a day apart. I don't think there are many people in this world that can say they have friends like mine....and for that alone I feel the most blessed of all. They really are the loves of my life!

I know this trip is probably going to be bittersweet...and there will be tears of happiness and probably at the end tears of sadness .... there are going to be feelings of not wanting to come back here...and I will probably be homesick for the next few months after this trip....or who knows....I may feel so happy when I leave it will have been exactly what I needed to know that what I'm doing now is the best decision of my life....only time will tell.....and I can't wait....

My Ah-ha Moment...

It's official....I can spend an entire day doing nothing but reading craft blogs and getting ideas of a million things I want to do from Pinterest. After being superhero unproductive on one of the last few days off I have in my 2 week streak...I started feeling really unsettled...and I couldn't put my finger on why....and that's when...sitting on the couch...watching Love in the Wild (yea yea we all know I have a reality tv habit...its horrible)...I had my Ah-ha Moment!

It has been 156 days since David and I have moved into our apartment...and its been 8 months since I've moved to Iowa....and no matter how much I try and decorate our apartment....and no matter how much time I spend with my family doing awesomely fun things...seeing things I've never seen before and doing things I've never done before.....it doesn't feel like home and I can't seem to find my happy place.
---- So that was really hard for me to admit. But I miss SC...I miss how our house felt like a real home...I miss my friends...I miss normalcy....I miss everything that was my old life. And I know that when we go back there in 2 weeks for a visit (which I'm soo excited about) I know its going to be bittersweet......I know I have to prepare myself for it to not feel like home.....and I have to prepare myself to face the fact that once again I'm in an "in between." (which I haven't felt since the first time I went to college and came home--to my childhood home--and it didn't feel anything like the home I had remembered)
I'm suspended in an extended state of existence where everything I knew has become unknown...and everything I have yet to learn needs desperately to become real. I NEED to make Iowa feel like my home. period. I need to get over the fact that I'm like a fish out of water here.....put my big girl panties on....and deal with it. Our move here has become a part of our story now.....at this point there's really no turning back...and instead of holding on to a life that no longer exists a time zone away....its time for me to start making our life here...right now....even if "here" is the middle of a corn field. If someone would have told me a year ago that I would be in Iowa.....going to nursing school working my butt off to follow a dream....I would have never believed them. But isn't that what makes an adventure exciting....the fact that you get to do something you never would have dreamed of?? And the icing on the cake is that I get to share it with the most amazing man and wonderful family a girl could ask for.

So I'm making a conscious effort to let go of my life as I knew it....and while I'm taking the good things with me...I'm leaving everything I knew behind to start clean here. Because to be honest...I never really gave myself (or this "new home") a chance to begin with.

In this transition period (that has lasted entirely too long) I've learned alot about myself....some good things and some things I desperately need to change.

1. My work ethic---I need to grow up when it comes to working. I don't live a privileged life...David is not loaded and I'm going to have to work in life...its time for me to get over the fact that I would love to stay at home and read craft blogs and have arts and crafts time and live a frivolous carefree life...and accept my own reality (and we're not talking reality tv here). My job is not hard...it challenges me to do things I wouldn't normally do...and THAT is what I need to become the person I ultimately want to be .... in my career and in life. No one ever became great by being lazy.
2. My fears control my actions--I'm terrified of doing things wrong. Its like I'm 5 years old or something and I'm going to "get in trouble." I need to get over that too. I'm an adult....and while there are consequences to my mistakes I should have the confidence in myself to learn from them....instead of cowering in the corner like I'm incompetent. Mistakes are like learning speed bumps....they're not end all be all cliffs. I want to make it my mission to learn everything I can by doing...asking...and not being afraid that not knowing might make me look stupid. Avoiding things I'm afraid of will only hold me back in the end. "We gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which we stop to look fear in the face and do that which we think we cannot."
3. My control issues---They're out of control really...I need to get a grip. I can't control every situation...everything that everyone says...or everything that happens. I need to learn to let go....enjoy the moments as they happen...just as they are....for whatever they are. Fretting about the "future" (however near or far) has stressed me out for long enough. It is the #1 cause for any anxiety I feel and I need to let it go. "What you fight you strengthen and what resists persists"
4. Going the extra mile---I come out of the gates on fire...but I burn out quick. I wish I could hold on to that fire...and take it with me further....going the extra mile and keeping up speed even when I feel like I'm running out of gas. This applies very much so when it comes to school work. Sometimes it seems like in the beginning everyone is so jacked up and ready to go...and by the time mid terms roll around its gone on long enough. I want to find a way to motivate myself when I feel like I'm burning out...so I can finish strong...on any project I start.
5. Staying present---Finding my happy place. Its so easy for me to feel unsettled inside...and I tend to try and fill that empty unsettled feeling with material things....or with food...or with attitude and bitterness (mostly aimed at the people I love)....and I wish I could just find out how to center myself....find my happy place and regain that feeling of contentment within.

I hope that I can keep evolving....into the me that makes me a better me...because I feel as though there is a finish line in sight of the me that I ultimately want to be ... and I'm ready to get there and reclaim my happiness!

My two weeks off....

I don't know why but I feel like I'm a winner when I score 2 weeks off from work just randomly because that's how the schedule worked out...and let me just tell you...I've been a busy little crafting bee!

First (the project that took the longest) was my first quilt! I know it makes me sound like an old lady...but it was a really fun experience....and very rewarding....and now I have a new appreciation for old ladies who make these FABULOUS works of art!---I started by going to my FAV antique and quilt shop in Amana (Fern Hill) and choosing my wonderful fabrics....I cut them into TONS of strips (its amazing how accurate your measurements and cutting skills must be to make everything uniform and square...it was probably the hardest part!)

Here are my strips placed together on our "design wall"....the next step was sewing ALL the strips together to make squares.....

....and once your squares are sewn together you have your quilt top....

After you have your quilt top you have to attach your batting (that makes it squishy and warm) and your backing (which is just an insanely large piece of fabric)---and then you have to select the quilting method you're going to use....since we don't have a long arm (a machine that makes all the crazy designs you see on most quilts) and I didn't feel like hand stitching any type of design (due to my lack of time---b/c classes are starting soon!) I decided to tie my quilt together......

After I tied the quilt it was time to sew on the binding!!! This was a two step process...first machine sewing it around the entire quilt....

...And then hand stitching it to the back for a nice crisp finished look! It turned out amazing...and I already can't wait to start my next one!!! I decided to "steal" my mom's idea --- every small town we visit in Iowa we always find the fabric store....so the idea is to select fabrics that represent the town we're in...and ultimately sew squares that show our representation from that town and by the time we leave here we'll have our own sort of "memory" quilt---

I've already started my first "memory" quilt block on our trip to Kalona (an Amish community about 20 minutes from here--and quite possibly the quilt capital of the world...read here...)--- Carol and Don (it was so nice to have family visit!) stopped in for a few days last week and we got to have more Iowa Adventures!!! Driving through the Amish town is so awesome...to see such a simple form of living is VERY inspiring! (I would love to be able to live so simply...but I'm afraid my high maintence ways would never survive!) They have the absolute most GEORGOUS flower gardens EVER...so on our stop in at the fabric store I picked out some very cute "vintage-ish" flowery fabrics... and decided to sew a block in the very fitting "amish basket" pattern ---see pattern here

...And here's how my block turned out....

 I can't wait to see this project develop...and I can't wait to have such an awesome finished project to remind me of our time here! I also can't wait to learn more about quilting....it truly is an amazing art form!

P.S. also while in Kalona we went to a few antique stores...and I must say the Pink Bagonia has got to be a close rival to my fav antique store Fern Hill---And I also must add that antiquing is my fav thing to do with the women of my family (esp. Aunt Judy, Carol, and my mother)--they have taught me so much about the things you see in antique stores (that you think are crap) and they also have taught me how to spot diamonds in the rough (we found sooo many good things in the Pink Bagonia...the best find of the day was spotted by yours truly...a VERY antique Singer sewing machine bottom (refurbished and ready for our craft room--for only $55!--in case you didn't know...thats a steal of a deal!)  We have plans on making a table top for our sewing machines in our infamous craft room!

So while I was working on my quilt project I also finished a few other crafts.....

I knitted a "cozy" for my Nook...and I LOVE it...also learned how to do the cable knit stitch which DEF classes up any project!

My mom and I also made these super cute ice cream cone pin cushions!!!

...We also made super cute thread catcher bags for our sewing machine stations from fabric we also found in Kalona---The print is of bolts of fabric, quilter ladies with lots of cute signage (like "will brake for quilt shops"...."shop hop next week"..."i love quilts"...etc.)---so cute we framed the extra fabric for our craft room decor!

And last but not least I finished a cute camera strap that I hope to make for a few friends!!!

Looking forward to returning home in a few weeks and seeing all my lovelies!!!! Can't wait to finish out the summer strong!! Classes will be starting soon (Aug 22nd) and I'm ready to enjoy these last few weeks before its back to the grind! 

Thanks for reading...this ended up being an insanely long crafting update! :)

Songs in My Head Today.....



SOS!!!!

I swear I have the worst sinus issues in the world (thanks to my lovely dad for that one!)....I feel like complete poopie!!!! Sinus drainage + sore throat = feelings of poop! I had to Sign Off Sick today from work ... because I highly doubt patients want me dripping snot/sneezing/coughing on them all night long...and I physically doubt my abilities to even do any sort of physical activity without being extremely exhausted within 5 min.  Its kind of weird.....I used to love calling in sick to work and getting a free day off....but now that I love what I'm doing....I really hate missing out on all the fun!!! So being the super nerd that I am...I was checking my hospital email and I just HAD to share this exciting email link with you!!!!

Iowa's First Total Artificial Heart!!! (be sure and watch the video!)

Working on a cardiac unit I get to see all kinds of awesome technology that basically keeps people alive and keeps hearts beating while people wait for hearts to become available (also DEFINITELY changed my mind about organ donation)....from LVADs to actual heart transplants and how peoples lives have been changed after receiving a heart....and the newest addition to our collection is a TAH...and let me just say its awesome and definitely a life changing experience.

I would be lying if I said I've never doubted my move to Iowa...and never questioned my ability/confidence in doing my job....because it has definitely been constant a struggle!  I've doubted my ability and skills, and I've even wondered what even brought me here and if it was a right choice to make....should I quit? should I just give up and just get a normal job??  But when I read emails with stories like the TAH .... it all of a sudden becomes so painstakingly clear. I'm here to learn....I'm here to gain skills that were not available to me back home. And while its often a challenge for me here....I know in the end...when I'm done with school and I'm finally a nurse....I'll be one of the best. Because while these experiences are challenging...they are also inspiring...and the more knowledge I gain here...the more and more confident I become. With confidence comes clarity...and with clarity comes never ending opportunities.

Redecoration Station

I've been thinking a lot lately about the feeling of home....and what made our home back in SC our home....and after all those depressing thoughts...I decided this apartment may not ever really feel like home. And while I may or my not ever be ok with that fact...I decided I could atleast give it my best shot in making it look like it atleast feels like home. So after purchasing a few decorative items...and rearranging a few things...I've given it an honest effort....and this is what I've come up with......

The living room view from our front door...I <3 framed photo collages!! The large Charleston print is a gift from David's sister Laurie and her husband Brian (they were our gift swap peeps from the Domis family Christmas gift exchange---little did they know we were going to need some reminders of "home") and the smaller pictures around it are my photos from our last trip to chucktown before we left....I eventually want to add more photos to the collage as we visit home more and more!!!

Over the fireplace I added a few canvases that I covered with fabric. And I found some blue dyed potpouri to fill my pink tray with (it sat empty for awhile and I was bound and determined to find something interesting to do with it!) I originally had all three canvases (the other you'll see over the cabnets in the kitchen later) but I decided to break up the blue with a framed print I found in Hobby Lobby with a "motivational" quote.

 When you look to the right of the living room you'll see our lovely kitchen! Its rather large (wish we had a kitchen table to fill up some space!). But I tried to put some decorations on top of the cabnets--not sure if I'm in love but I'll keep them up there until I decided/find something else. And I also hung a print over the sink to fill in a huge gap--I had some wall "stickers" that were flowerish (you'll see I transferred them to the bathroom in a later photo) that I wasn't too thrilled about. Also got a rug for the floor and some blue towels to continue my "blue color theme"

Since our old colors were red/black/grey (which didn't transfer over very well) our old utensil holder was red = did not match the blue theme...so I found an old vase (of my million vases I had in a box in the closet) and painted some flowers/swirls for a new and improved matching utensil holder! yay for craft projects!!!



Another view of the kitchen ~~~~~>

The guest bedroom was another room that was KILLING me! The layout of the room is rather awkward with our bulky furniture (as are all of our rooms b/c we came from a house with big rooms where they fit and moved them into tiny rooms where arrangements are difficult!)...so I decided I would make this our "Iowa" / "Hawkeye" inspired room---hence the black and yellow. Again covering canvases with fabric. Hopefully we'll eventually find something to put over the bed...but until then I'm satisfied.

(The guest bathroom and our bedroom I didn't touch with any redecoration's...b/c I felt like the decorating I did when we moved in will suffice for now).

The hallway (between our bedroom and the guest bedroom and the 2 bathrooms) is my fav...due in large part to this shelf with my absoulte FAVORITE pictures on it!! This has been up for awhile now...but I figured I would include it on our little redecoration highlights photo tour! :)

And finally "my" bathroom (since David and I use seperate bathrooms now---don't ask me why but its kind of nice). It was very plain and since plain bothers me...I decided to add a nice flowery framed print...and since I'm all about using stuff I already have (b/c I'm a broke student again) I used some flowery wall "stickers" that I had in the kitchen to help fill in the space between the flower framed print and the other wall space between the shower and mirror over the sink. I also added a basket on the back of the toilet to help fill in some space too!

So I'm hoping with these changes...and maybe even a few more to come later...this apartment will start feeling a little more like "home." Here's to hoping!!! :)

Goals

It has been a busy last few weeks around here....and now that I have a few minutes to sit down and think about things....I have decided I want to make a list of goals I want to accomplish....short term goals...and long term goals.
It seems like ever since I've moved...in all the chaos that has been my life as of late...I've lost alot of organization and grips on reality....I've taken some dives off the deep end...and I've even managed to swim back to shore (for the most part)....and since things are slowly coming around...I figured I'd accomplish some organization with hopes of getting things even more "back on track."

Goal #1: I want to make Iowa more of a home--- After taking a few road trips/vacations away from this temporary home....it has got me thinking alot about a sense of home....or more importantly a lack there of. Home--something I haven't felt since I've  moved away from "home" (the only home I've ever known). Home sickness---a feeling that I feel has been holding me back since I've been here.
I think its officially time to make this more of a home....and hopefully by accomplishing this I will be able to make more out of my time here. Instead of rushing my time here I want to focus more on making the most of my time here. This may be the hardest goal I set for myself.......with my biggest fear of "adopting a midwest attitude" and losing my southern roots.....it will definately be a challenge to hold on to things I hold dear...and let go of things that may or may not matter....


Goal #2: Becoming more proactive when it comes to making decisions on where I want to take my nursing education---I'm sick of advisors telling me what they think I should or shouldn't do when it comes to decisions in my education. Sure that's their job....but its also their job to help me accomplish my goals in the manner that I want to accomplish them. So despite my advisors "advice" ... I'm determined more than ever to pave my own way when it comes to my education. From now on I will make decisions on what I think is best for me....since apparently my education thus far has become so far from "traditional" its not even funny---So shit or get off the pot people who don't want to accept challenging students.....if you aren't willing to help me...I will find someone who is...and if there is no one out there to help me the way I need to be helped....I'll just have to do it myself. I'm determined now more than ever to take my education choices into my own hands....
Wasting time, becoming lazy/passive, and not stepping up to the plate are sneaking into my lifestyle waaaay more than they should!

Goal #3: Get organized!!! --- I never feel like I have enough time in the day to accomplish the things I want to accomplish.....and the things that get left undone at the end of the day eat away at me like you would not believe!!!! I feel like writing things down....and checking things off my list every day will help me see the things I am actually getting done....and maybe even that the things that don't get done aren't that big of a deal....

Goal #4: Get fit---believe it or not....I miss bootcamp!! I miss eating healthy and I miss working out!! When I look back my life as it was.... the time I was eating so healthy and staying so active was the time I really did feel better about alot of things. So even though I work such crazy hours....and with school right around the corner again...I do want to make more of an effort to get back to my healthy ways and cut the crap!

Goal #5: Be a better friend and lover----Sometimes I get so caught up in myself I forget about the people I love!!! David has been sooo freakin amazing throughout this whole entire process it has made me love him even more than I did before.....and I feel like sometimes he doesn't even know that. Even when I neglect our relationship...he's still a freaking saint of a boyfriend. We have our issues to work out (as do all relationships) but we'll get there....and we're always evolving....another thing I love so much about us as a couple and him as my partner. He's always going to be there and for that I am truly grateful...there are no words for how blessed I am in the relationship department....and to be a better girlfriend should always be on my list of things to accomplish!
My friends have been soo freakin unbelievable throughout this too that I never even tell them how much I love and miss them and how much they help me get through sucky times! A better friend should always be on my list too!! I do love you guys...and you have no IDEA how much I miss each and every one of you more so now than ever!!!

So here's to a start...here's to accomplishing some heart felt goals....CHEERS!