My Ah-ha Moment...

It's official....I can spend an entire day doing nothing but reading craft blogs and getting ideas of a million things I want to do from Pinterest. After being superhero unproductive on one of the last few days off I have in my 2 week streak...I started feeling really unsettled...and I couldn't put my finger on why....and that's when...sitting on the couch...watching Love in the Wild (yea yea we all know I have a reality tv habit...its horrible)...I had my Ah-ha Moment!

It has been 156 days since David and I have moved into our apartment...and its been 8 months since I've moved to Iowa....and no matter how much I try and decorate our apartment....and no matter how much time I spend with my family doing awesomely fun things...seeing things I've never seen before and doing things I've never done before.....it doesn't feel like home and I can't seem to find my happy place.
---- So that was really hard for me to admit. But I miss SC...I miss how our house felt like a real home...I miss my friends...I miss normalcy....I miss everything that was my old life. And I know that when we go back there in 2 weeks for a visit (which I'm soo excited about) I know its going to be bittersweet......I know I have to prepare myself for it to not feel like home.....and I have to prepare myself to face the fact that once again I'm in an "in between." (which I haven't felt since the first time I went to college and came home--to my childhood home--and it didn't feel anything like the home I had remembered)
I'm suspended in an extended state of existence where everything I knew has become unknown...and everything I have yet to learn needs desperately to become real. I NEED to make Iowa feel like my home. period. I need to get over the fact that I'm like a fish out of water here.....put my big girl panties on....and deal with it. Our move here has become a part of our story now.....at this point there's really no turning back...and instead of holding on to a life that no longer exists a time zone away....its time for me to start making our life here...right now....even if "here" is the middle of a corn field. If someone would have told me a year ago that I would be in Iowa.....going to nursing school working my butt off to follow a dream....I would have never believed them. But isn't that what makes an adventure exciting....the fact that you get to do something you never would have dreamed of?? And the icing on the cake is that I get to share it with the most amazing man and wonderful family a girl could ask for.

So I'm making a conscious effort to let go of my life as I knew it....and while I'm taking the good things with me...I'm leaving everything I knew behind to start clean here. Because to be honest...I never really gave myself (or this "new home") a chance to begin with.

In this transition period (that has lasted entirely too long) I've learned alot about myself....some good things and some things I desperately need to change.

1. My work ethic---I need to grow up when it comes to working. I don't live a privileged life...David is not loaded and I'm going to have to work in life...its time for me to get over the fact that I would love to stay at home and read craft blogs and have arts and crafts time and live a frivolous carefree life...and accept my own reality (and we're not talking reality tv here). My job is not hard...it challenges me to do things I wouldn't normally do...and THAT is what I need to become the person I ultimately want to be .... in my career and in life. No one ever became great by being lazy.
2. My fears control my actions--I'm terrified of doing things wrong. Its like I'm 5 years old or something and I'm going to "get in trouble." I need to get over that too. I'm an adult....and while there are consequences to my mistakes I should have the confidence in myself to learn from them....instead of cowering in the corner like I'm incompetent. Mistakes are like learning speed bumps....they're not end all be all cliffs. I want to make it my mission to learn everything I can by doing...asking...and not being afraid that not knowing might make me look stupid. Avoiding things I'm afraid of will only hold me back in the end. "We gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which we stop to look fear in the face and do that which we think we cannot."
3. My control issues---They're out of control really...I need to get a grip. I can't control every situation...everything that everyone says...or everything that happens. I need to learn to let go....enjoy the moments as they happen...just as they are....for whatever they are. Fretting about the "future" (however near or far) has stressed me out for long enough. It is the #1 cause for any anxiety I feel and I need to let it go. "What you fight you strengthen and what resists persists"
4. Going the extra mile---I come out of the gates on fire...but I burn out quick. I wish I could hold on to that fire...and take it with me further....going the extra mile and keeping up speed even when I feel like I'm running out of gas. This applies very much so when it comes to school work. Sometimes it seems like in the beginning everyone is so jacked up and ready to go...and by the time mid terms roll around its gone on long enough. I want to find a way to motivate myself when I feel like I'm burning out...so I can finish strong...on any project I start.
5. Staying present---Finding my happy place. Its so easy for me to feel unsettled inside...and I tend to try and fill that empty unsettled feeling with material things....or with food...or with attitude and bitterness (mostly aimed at the people I love)....and I wish I could just find out how to center myself....find my happy place and regain that feeling of contentment within.

I hope that I can keep evolving....into the me that makes me a better me...because I feel as though there is a finish line in sight of the me that I ultimately want to be ... and I'm ready to get there and reclaim my happiness!