My Brand

I'm still fully involved in Kelly Cutrone's book...If You Have To Cry Go Outside....and I'm almost done...but I had to dive a little deeper into one of her chapters...."You Are the Brand: Normal Gets You Nowhere"---she talks about "selling yourself" as "your brand"....and it got me thinking a lot about how I sell myself....and what is "my brand."
The chapter goes in full details and stories about how she explored all these different passions in her life to find her path....and one story that struck at my heart strings was when she talked about going in all these directions and never fully focused on being exceptional on one particular "career" path. And most importantly how her experiences didn't always take her on an express train to her true purpose and calling...but taught her alot along the way.
This is how I feel about 75% of the time.....and was one of the reasons I chose nursing. I feel like I'm the kind of person that could, on a whim, decide to do 100 different things all at one time....never being really "exceptional" at one particular thing....I need a career that can offer anything from working in a fast paced hosptial critical care situation....to a more calm clinic setting....to even making house calls in home health care.----These thoughts then got me thinking about how I feel inwardly.....and how I project my feelings of myself to the outside world....thus presenting "my brand."

She described her brand as "renegade, strategically kooky, ballsy, bohemian, intuitive, ruthless, and loving"-- And I feel like my experiences here so far in Iowa have allowed me to fully understand how I feel on the inside...about myself...how I'm percieved by others.....and the things I honest to goodness believe in deep down in my heart.---Thus..."my brand."--I would describe it as dainty, classy, sweet southern charming, creative, pink girlie girl.



"I Believe that the people we perceive as having great individual style have found things that represent their unique inner world outwardly."

"When a company hires you, remember what you sold them to get the job and be consistent in providing it....and I'm not talking about your wardrobe"


"..experiences will broaden your empathy, test your courage, and teach you essential lessons about your job and yourself..."

"...the good news is that my brand is much more powerful than it was when I started..." 

 "There are many temptations along the way--but even when your wallet or your need to be on a VIP list is calling you, stand strong and remember what your brand is all about."

Break throughs on my day off.....

I don't know why, but today feels like my first real "day off." I guess I would normally have had to wake up, do school stuff, go to class, maybe even work....and I haven't had to do any of that....and it feels fabulous!
So what have I been doing???? Well I started really reading and diving into Kelly Cutrone's book...If You Have To Cry Go Outside....and a few things really hit home with me....and I've made a few much needed revelations. 

(So I'm of course going to share them with you....feel free to skim...it will probably get a little deep...and I mean lets face it....its my personal revelations...and they may not mean that much to you as a reader as they do to me as the writer)

As she starts out telling her story of finding success...she talks about faking it to make it (this was the first chapter that really got me thinking)....she talks about how we try on all these "outfits" and pretend to be all these things as we set out on new adventures in life.....and she basically ends up at the point of "you can fake your way to the table, but ultimately you have to learn how to eat.....clothes don't make the woman (even if they do make her look good)."----the more I thought about it...the more it really made sense to me in the aspect of my life. I feel as though I've done a real good job so far faking it.....finishing college (as my parents had mapped out for me)....getting the "real world job" (that was so not even me it wasn't even funny....which is obviously why it didn't pan out) ....I've faked it....I've sat at the table....but I haven't learned how to eat. Finding the love of my life feels like the only thing I've been able to actually do right. And as we've started on this whole new adventure/path in life...in this whole new land of new people and new cultures that is so far from everything we know....even this has felt like a mistake at times....but after realizing a few things, I realized that I can't get a grip because I don't know how to not fake things. My whole life I've been "trained" to put on a happy face....and to fake it....but I haven't been taught to face reality....I don't know how to face my fears when they slap me in the face, I just know how to smile politely at them and ask them how they're doing.....and that is what has been holding me back since I dived head first into a pit full of my biggest fears.
"If you don't let what you don't know stop you from doing your best in every situation, you will surprise yourself over and over in life."---I'm hoping that realizing my fears....and facing them instead of faking that I'm facing them....will help me dig myself out of my pit full of fears that are essentially holding me back from true happiness. I think in learning how to face our fears....we really develop a true sense of self....its kind of like learning the things you want to accomplish in life by doing things you know you DON'T want to do in life....and apparently that's just how I do things....backwards.

"When you're having a bad month, or a shitty year. An important lesson to remember is that things will change: you won't feel this way forever. Sometimes the hardest lessons to learn are the ones your soul needs the most.You can't feel real joy unless you've felt heartache. You can't have a sense of victory unless you know what it means to fail."


The biggest point that she writes about that REALLY spoke to my heart was transitioning from a worrier to a warrior....yea it sounds kinda corny....but when you're a worrier like myself....it tends to consume you....and if you think about it...can really destroy you if you let it. The biggest attribute that I envy in others is strength. I tend to view myself as pretty weak (on the inside at least). I take things personally....I internalize so much that goes on around me...and that fact alone, I realized, really alters my reality. I hate that my only reaction in intense situations is to cry....I want to "man up" to situations that challenge me...not run away in fear with my tail between my legs....I hate that I crumble in the face of confrontation. ---"act confidently and decisively, without regret or self-doubt...with detachment from the outcome"---detachment...not allowing the fears and emotions that torment and paralyze me to have power over me....this I believe is my biggest stepping stone in finding the strength and confidence I need to ultimately be successful in the career path I've chosen. Nursing can be ruthless at times....and I know that if I don't find this within myself....there's no way I can be the nurse I want to be. I must learn that I am not what I do....I know that until I learn this...my fears and emotions will continue to keep me up at night.....
My "internal talk" is what traps me and paralyzes me into "inaction."And this is another big "set back" that keeps me from the strength, confidence, and success that I strive so hard for...I find that I do the best when I don't think...and I just feel.
"The mind uses fear throughout our lives as one of many blunt objects with which to clock our souls over the head before gagging it, binding it with black electrical tape, and throwing it out of the drivers seat and into the trunk. This is what sends us off the path of our destiny and into the packed freeway of fear...or worse, into a traffic circle (and we all know how dangerous those are)."---
Its so important for me to remember...that whatever crazy curve ball I throw at myself  via my fears and internal talk...that I realize.... no matter what happens...I'm going to be fine. And I know I'm going to be fine because of the WONDERFUL support system I have behind me. And whether or not I think I've failed...they always can find the ways in which I have succeeded. (and  it is for that fact alone that I love them the most)

"Thoughts have power. Fear of being left was so much a part of her world that she manifested it into her reality. The universe constantly rearranges itself to support your idea of reality. If you're always thinking life sucks and I suck...you're definitely going to see a lot of dismal shit out there. On the other hand, if your reality is that you're a privileged, elegant human and everyday you think, I'm a privileged, elegant human being...then eventually you will become a privileged and elegant human being....you will eventually become your experience of yourself."---- my goal is to get up and keep doing what I do...even when I don't want to....giving my best self each time....in hopes of not only achieving success...but also detachment from everything that holds me back....and in doing this I will achieve a wonderful self experience.

A GREAT lesson that I've read so far.....and that I want so desperately to remember....is that "other people don't define you...and ultimately their behavior is just helping you work out your own shit." ---- people will always try to push you down....that favorite saying of mine "shit rolls down hill"....only helps you become a better person in the end....and it is realizing this that is truly "winning." We all project our feelings and the things we're going through onto others....by detaching myself from the situation...and not taking things so personally....I really feel will help me over come half of my battles....it will help me not tumble in the face of confrontation....it will help me stand strong and face adversity with confidence.


So here's to positive thinking and setting myself free of all the negative "internal talk" that has been holding me back in hopes of finding so much more here...including happiness.....thanks Kelly Cutrone...for a wonderful day off/self therapy session!

HOOOOORRRAAAAYYYY!!!!

I ended out my anatomy class with a B!!! I'm soo excited!!! I feel like I'm finally back on track! And it feels so good!!!! Now I have time for ME...and that feels even better! Craft time and books are in my future and that makes me a VERY happy little girl!!

I've already made a "recycled grocery bag"....have a super cute pattern for a super cute scarf to knit...and am in the process of convincing my mom to teach me how to quilt (I know ...it sounds super weird and old lady-ish....and not that exciting....but she made this quilt for the children's hospital cancer ward that was SUPER cute....and when I get to be an old lady then I'll know how its done) We'll see how far I get in my crafting ventures....until then its time for some good old fashion R&R

FINALLY....a break....

Can't even contain my excitement....that I FINALLY have a break!!!!!!!!!!! For the first time since I've moved here in January .... I feel like I can FINALLY relax and have a break....for me things.....and let me tell you 6 (almost 7) months in....it feels GREAT!

That picture up there....is what my brain feels like right about now....an out pouring of anatomy info....that feels more like what I imagine my brain would feel like if it could vomit....so that's what we'll call it.....my brain is vomiting all this anatomy info that I've crammed in it the past 6 weeks.....lets hope the important stuff stays.....
I'm not sure how I'll end up grade wise....but I do know I did the best I could on the final....and I know I'll pass...and that's all I care about right now.....

I've officially decided I'm going to spend this weekend being absolutely lazy....and having much needed/deserved ME time....before I tackle (next week) getting the ball rolling for my plans for next semester.  I even started this weekend O' me time with a shopping trip to target (i know...what better way!) ... got a bottle of wine... and I'm thinking about getting a new book for my nook.......

She was on Dr. Phil the other day (a show about spoiled brats) and she was HILARIOUS....she also promoted her book...and it seemed a little humorous...a little harsh "self help" if you will....we'll see if it can keep me entertained...who knows maybe I'll learn something about myself.....

 

Summer Class update

Only 4 more classes and my summer class will be o-v-e-r! (well technically 3 more lectures and the last class is the final) Let me just say I'm STOKED! I'm ready for a little break to do a little relaxing (although I'll still be working) and a little more figuring out what my exact plan is next semester (but more on that later).....

I just took my third Anatomy test on Tuesday....it was on the Nervous system....(CNS, PNS, ANS, and the senses--along with the endocrine system) and was ALOT of material....more specifically alot of information that I knew inside and out but probably choked and messed up on when it came to test time....

but I ended up with an 80 ... which wasn't too shabby if I say so myself! I've been making A's and B's so as long as I just maintain equilibrium I should turn out ok....we'll see....
We've started info on the heart and blood vessles (which is super interesting to me...especially considering I've been working on a cardiology unit and have tons of experience with things I FINALLY get to actually learn about in a class room setting)

On a lighter note...I've had time to do some fun things around the apartment...to make it a little more "homey".....

                                                   

I "decorated" our patio with some super cute chairs...and some flowers....that unfortunately aren't doing so well with all this rain we've been having (like seriously...it rains EVERYDAY)

AAANNNDD....Friday, my mom and I are taking a mini road trip (about 45 min away) to Davenport  to try on bridesmaids dresses for Stacy's wedding next year..and since we'll be in a new town with new fun shops we're also taking a shopping detour!! YAY! Super stoked for lunch and shopping with my mom. This week has been a great one...no working (just class) weekend off....finally feeling fabulous!

Working my bootay off

So I've been so incredibly busy lately its not even funny....but hopefully will be on a downhill run for a bit (or well a few weeks anyway)--- While I have a hot minute...here's a quick update....

My second anatomy test went a little sub par.... but better than expected considering I realized the day before the test that I had completely neglected 3 whole entire chapters....it was on bones, joints AND muscles

As a second update I got a call from my advisor yesterday (and just ps. its never a good thing when your advisor personally contacts you) and she wanted to talk about yet another plan since I did a little subpar in my stupid lame inorganic chem class....so she talked with me a little about my options---either taking the class over which will prolong my applying to the nursing program a whole entire year...or looking into the RN program at Kirkwood---after talking to a few nurses and getting a few opinions I started seriously thinking about the RN Program....its only 2 years....theres no stupid bs waste of my time classes (like chemistry and spanish) and there is more actual nursing classes. I would technically only have my associates degree (instead of a bachelors) but when I really start thinking about it....I don't think I really care either way...I mean lets face it....RN's do the SAME exact jobs that BSN RN's  do and the only area that you will get a job hands down on the spot for having a BSN is in a hospital....and after working these past few months I have DEFINATELY decided I DON'T want to work in a hospital .... with my head in the future and the hopes of a prospective family life I would like to have I don't want crazy hours and I DEFINATELY DON'T want to work holiday's....and the biggest obstacle I've had to get over lately is the insanely crazy schedule I have working nights, weekends and holidays...and its totally made me realize a lot of things about myself ---- one major thing is that I miss my set routine of a schedule....working with the same people every day (which doesn't happen in the hospital) and getting off at a normal hour with the rest of the world....and most of all (I never thought I would say this) but I miss stability and predictability....I have so much anxiety going into work not knowing what kind of day/night I'm going to have...so while I never thought I'd want to work in a clinic or school or anything like that....I'm starting to think twice about that option now. And with those thoughts it got me wondering alot if getting a BSN would really be worth the time, and money I would be putting into it.  (like how much would I really use "BSN" skills vs just normal everyday "RN" skills)

As much as I know shooting for the stars is important....and as much as I know sometimes maybe I would be selling myself short....I can't help but think just getting in and getting out and getting on with my life would make me just as happy. So yet again I have lots to think about...and luckily I have time to think about it and time to talk to people about it......the saga continues....but this link (Please watch its soo awesomely inspirational!!!) from Bethenny on KLG and Hoda definitely has helped inspire me to stay positive....